Where To As Battle Continues

It has been three months since my last journal. I have not been returning likes and comments for no justified reason other than battling with depression. Perhaps the death of two world beloved celebrities namely Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have resonated in me that I get stuck in deep solitude while missing due reciprocity to all of you. Forgive me.

Thus, reflecting on Bourdain’s and Spade’s passing, I am in dire to find ways to get through my own battle from this medical condition, which I once belittle. The good news is now I understand that depression is not mere sadness.

Because folks, going through this debilitating condition since last December, I experience falterings, twisting every goodness I know of myself. It’s tough. But while I struggle, I pray harder than hardest and continue to reflect.

On Spade, perhaps she died regretting selling her brand in millions of dollars to Nordstrom. She tried to create a new line named Kate Valentine, but maybe she couldn’t wait for its success. I guess knowing her self-named collections are now valued in billions and owned by Coach, Spade’s depression was warranted.

On Bourdain, from being a trailblazing traveler (according to Travel Channel) to a rock star chef and storyteller (on TV and published books) who touched many lives and cultures, Bourdain was phenomenal!

Sadly, following his death, allegations that he was an alcoholic have surfaced. And some even believed he was broken hearted too (separated and apparently on not-so-mutual relationship with a younger Italian actress).

But as a fan, I only noticed the dramatic change in Bourdain’s aura after changing network channel (and work assignments). He started with the Travel Channel for his documentary No Reservation; and considered a career advancement as he joined CNN for a more profound documentary (an Emmy awardee), Parts Unknown. I was thinking the pressures of success and continued success were too much for Bourdain. Regardless, none of his inner circle saw his suicide coming (perhaps everyone was blind sided). Global communities mourned.

And as I try to connect the dots with a little hope that I still can overcome this, I see the common denominator I share with Spade and Bourdain, which is either the estrangement of dreams or annihilation of hope, or both when depressed. For what is worse than living in absence hope and depriving ourselves of dreaming? It’s devastating.

At first, I had a hard time reflecting since Bourdain and Spade were very successful–and I have nothing to be proud of; I have so much to be soured and bitter. I only have this passion to make me happy. But unfortunately, even from this—depression has been pulling me away.

Before, I can write poems instantaneously. But now, I have to scour my thoughts and playlist to come up with a poem. And for the first time in my life, I fear losing this passion to write.

Before, I can read post with fast scanning eyes, like like a bot, and comment as if I am close to Dalai Lama. But now, I fear, I am not welcome to any sites and posts, thinking I am a liability to many; and isolation is my only recourse. I cry in silence for the guilt of abandoning my WordPress friends: They are all nice people–I know. I cry for not being there for anybody; as I am not even here for myself.

So, where do I go from here? Where to? I honestly don’t know. But I am fighting like hell. I rely on exercise and prayers. I have out grown my love for music, which I know is a great therapy too. I even distant myself from everybody even to families and friends. I have been in almost total isolation for months; and I have no explanation. I pray for healing and forgiveness.

Thank you for bearing with me. To God be always all the glory.

Warmest Aloha to y’all.


13 thoughts on “Where To As Battle Continues

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart and challenges Aina. I was wondering how and where you were. It sounds like you are facing a serious challenge. I got lost in depression for a few years myself. And don’t really have a good answer. I think it wise to reach out to friends, family or professional support, yet most of us don’t do that. We isolate in our pain. Thank you for being courageous to share. Have you ever read anything by Brene Brown? I like her perspective on vulnerability, pain, and more.

    No need for regrets or guilt for not being active on WordPress. It is important that you take the time to nurture and love yourself. Especially the hurt/ depressed aspects. Maybe it helps to know that you are loved and appreciated.

    Sending hugs, prayers, and blessings…., Brad

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Brad! Thank you for the kind words. Depression is more serious than I can ever explain. I sought professional help (three doctors), from oral medications to therapy—none of them worked. I tried to self medicate, but neither that didn’t work. So I don’t know what else is out there.

      As to Brene Brown, I googled her and found a handful of her incredible works. I would try listen to her motivational speeches in a while. Thanks for sharing that info and for the unwavering compassion!

      Sending hugs back, xoxo.



      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry to hear that you’ve tried so many things that haven’t worked. The right person or insight will help. Maybe it’s about self love and acceptance as it was for me. Matt Kahn’s videos and books on Whatever Arises, Love That helped me learn to give myself unconditional love and compassion, much like we would for a tender 5 year old.
        I hope you find the tools and love that help you find your way forward. Hugs…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It can be so debilitating, Aina, as so many can attest to.
    May I just be one who sends you regards and hopes for you to continue to have strength. There will come an end to this time and you will be free to do those things that bring you joy.
    We will be here for you whenever you care to write. Know that you are loved by many, Dear Aina.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ❤ I've been battling many things, depression one of them as a result of another, for 2+ years now. Something new I've been trying is the mere saying "It ain't that bad." You say what it is that you're feeling at the moment (i.e. my pain … it ain't that bad, my fear of _____ … it ain't that bad, etc.) and it's been helping some. Each of us have our own demons to contend with, some more than others, some a multitude, some one or two, but nonetheless, it's all relative and an individual situation. Wishing you strength, faith, hope, light energy, love and peace. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • Many blessings to you love. You aren’t alone in what you feel. Speak, shout, write, communicate as much and as often as you can about how you’re feeling. It helps. xox I know all too well, many of us do, about disconnecting – but connecting is greatly important, even critical at times. Know that what you’re feeling doesn’t belong to you and you alone, but so many, oh so many, and that you can get through it. Be kind to yourself, you’re no different than anyone else, not broken and not experiencing anything that countless others aren’t also experiencing. Be strong, even through your tears or depths of pain – there’s strength in allowing yourself to feel, and to feel it with no shame. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you for this very powerful message! I appreciate it a lot. On connecting though, it’s my toughest battle. But I’m not giving up. I pray hard to this day.

          Anyhow, my friend, you’re the best! Again, many thanks! Blessings

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Wishing you the best, and one thing to never forget is to take all the time you need to do the battle to clear the mind knowing that all the good people will be there for you. Continue ‘fighting like hell’ for one day, even if only for a brief moment, those blue will shine a blue so perfect you cannot help but imprint a smile onto your soul where it will be shared by all those around you.
    This will keep us all smilin’ Aina 🙂


  5. I was a little concerned by your absence Aina, but glad to know you are still battling on. I can only say again, that having been in the same place myself, I know the darkness of it. Please keep working to believe in hope, and in your right to birth a new dream into you life.

    Liked by 1 person

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